


Protect

by JelliefishAirlines



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JelliefishAirlines/pseuds/JelliefishAirlines
Summary: To Killua, Gon was light. He shone so brightly and violently that Killua was afraid to touch him for fear he might be burned. And then one time, he did....Killua is afraid that next time, that light just might eat him alive.((Killugon and Leopika are only (HEAVILY) implied and can be read as friendship if you prefer :) ))
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, Nanika & Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 11
Kudos: 41





	Protect

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I’m posting a fic so sorry if it’s a little rough TT_TT
> 
> I just love Killua so much it’s unreal 
> 
> Also Gon and Kurapika aren’t actually in this they’re just mentioned (kurapika isn’t even explicitly mentioned but.... I’m sure you can tell when they’re talking about him), and Killugon and Leopika are both HEAVILY implied but you can read it as friendship if you want :) (I’d tag it correctly but again I’m very new at this.....)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!

Killua is a nurturer. He’s not sure exactly how the fuck that happened, but it’s the truth. 

He realizes it one night on the train, he and Alluka are heading towards their newest adventure- it’s a small beach town popular for their vibrant coral reefs. It was Nanika’s idea, actually, she had been enticed by the bright colors of the travel brochure, and Killua and Alluka both happily agreed with her idea. Killua thinks about this and smiles to himself. He’s glad that it had been Nanika’s idea, that she had places she wanted to visit too. 

Looking across from him he sees that Alluka has fallen asleep in her seat, and so Killua reaches over and adjusts her to a more comfortable position. He decides to throw his jacket over her too, the closest approximation to a blanket that he can manage. Killua feels his heart swell with a warm sense of pride when he sees his sister smile softly in her sleep. He realizes that selfishly, he’s proud of being able to care for Alluka, protect her from everyone and everything. Not like before. 

Run. 

That’s all he knows how to do, that’s what he was told to do.

Run. Protect yourself.

Killua has learned a lot of things since he left home, he’s learned how to be brave enough to stand his ground. He’s learned how to protect others. Despite this, Killua is still a naturally defensive person, and sometimes, he still runs away.

Killua turns his head back to the window and watches the dark shadows of trees and mountains blur as the train speeds past them. Killua presses his face up against the glass and looks up, trying to get a better view of the stars above, but the sky looks nearly empty. Even if there were stars out, Killua doesn’t think they could ever compare to the ones he saw with Gon. 

Even when they were completely exhausted, or beaten and bruised from fighting, Gon would always stay up to look at the stars. Killua never really paid much attention to the stars before, but Gon had asked him to stay up and stargaze with him once, and once was all it took. 

Gon stayed up to look at the stars, so Killua did too. 

Killua probably would have done anything that Gon asked him to, without question. Not even probably, he always did- half the time Gon didn’t even have to ask. It scares Killua, how easily and how quickly he found himself wrapped around Gon’s finger. It scares him how easy it was to be with Gon, how right it felt. It scares him even more how quickly he saw it all fall apart. 

Killua knows what the worst moment of his life is- he remembers every detail, every hair that dragged along the ground as he tried to carry his best friend to safety, every twig he stepped on, the sound of each crack as they snapped that made him flinch, fearing that it was the sound of the person he cared about most in the world breaking in half. Honestly, he might as well have. 

Gon was hurting, and because of that he had pushed himself past his breaking point, and Killua wasn’t able to do anything about it. He wasn’t able to protect him. No matter how hard he tried, he failed. 

Killua couldn’t stand the thought of losing him forever, and he couldn’t stand the fact that he wasn’t able to protect him. His feelings for Gon were overwhelming, he cared about him so much that he wasn’t able to feel anything else sometimes and it hurt. He couldn’t tell if it hurt worse before- when he couldn’t do anything to help Gon- or after, when he knew how he failed. Even though Gon was better (or more accurately, still alive), even though Killua had saved him, he knew that deep inside there was something that had snapped, and it was something that Killua didn’t know how to fix. (A small part of Killua thought he might never know how, but someone else might. That someone else could help Gon, could understand him in a way that Killua couldn’t. It made Killua feel nauseous.) 

To Killua, Gon was light. He shone so brightly and violently that Killua was afraid to touch him for fear he might be burned. And then one time, he did. 

It’s been eight months since he and Gon separated at the World Tree. Eight months since Killua decided he needed to protect someone else. He and Gon email each other almost constantly, or at least whenever one of them can find a stable enough internet connection to do so. He always promises Gon that they’ll meet again soon, but at the same time, he always gently suggested alternative locations whenever Alluka wants to visit somewhere near where Gon says he’s been recently. 

It’s not that Killua doesn’t want to see Gon, he wants it more than anything in the world actually. Killua is afraid that next time, that light just might eat him alive.

One time Alluka and him ran into Leorio when they were passing through Yorknew City, and they ended up staying the night at Leorio’s apartment, upon his insistence (normally Killua would have said no, but unfortunately for him, Alluka and Leorio ended up getting along famously and ganged up on him, and Killua never could manage to say no to his sister). 

That night, the three of them sat out on Leorio’s balcony and looked out at the bright lights of the city. After Alluka had fallen asleep in Killua’s lap, Killua and Leorio continued to talk quietly, catching up and exchanging stories with only minor bickering, eventually falling into a comfortable silence and just staring ahead at the blinking antenna of skyscrapers and the slowly moving headlights of traffic. 

“Hey Leorio?” Killua said after a while, still gazing out, neither bothering to turn their head to face the other. 

“Yeah kid?”

“Have you ever cared about someone so much that it hurts?” 

Leorio let out a short, soft laugh, that was almost a scoff, “I think we both know the answer to that question, kiddo.” 

Killua ran his hands through his sister’s hair and made an understanding hm..

“... Do you think it ever stops? The pain, I mean.” 

“No, I don’t suppose it does. Not for me, at least- I’ve accepted that much. Not for you either, I don’t think. Not as long as they’re hurting,” Leorio exhales heavily through his nose, and the sound makes Killua realize he’s been holding his breath, “the two of us are both too far gone, I don’t think either of us are capable of not caring anymore, if that was ever even an option.”

“I never said anything about me caring for someone” Killua says quietly, in a weak attempt to protest.

“All you can do is all you can do. Just because you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders doesn’t mean that you’re accountable for things that are out of your control. Sometimes you just have to accept that you’re doing your best to support someone, and you are not responsible for their feelings. Trust me, I know that better than anyone,” Leorio turns his head and looks him in the eyes, “You’re only human Killua, remember that.” 

Neither of them say another word that night. 

Against all odds, and in spite of all his brother’s brainwashing and his family’s efforts, Killua is a nurturer- a protector. In many ways it is a burden, a part of himself he cannot change no matter how much he may want to- no matter how much it hurts.

Someday, Killua wants to be able to accept it, to be able to follow Leorio’s advice. But for now, all he can think to do is keep running.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it I tried my best... 
> 
> Leave a comment if you want I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on this feelings dump that I wrote in a frenzy at 2AM lol (also if you know how to do italics that’d be really helpful thx lmao)
> 
> Have a lovely day!


End file.
